Dreaming Pt. 2, A dream at dusk.

In many ways, people are their records. It is easy to say that experience justifies itself, but without memory, from the original or otherwise, what even truly happened? I write, in a way without filters, these words are my thoughts, with little I kept behind. I do this because I know no one else will read this, but my future self might, and this letter to the future, of the things that I have generally thought about around this time, might be of interest.

When writing, it is far easier to notice when my writing becomes repetitive, when I am rambling on without saying anything new. I think this actually describes a lot of my cognition for the past year, repeating insights again and again, vaguely knowing that I've felt them before, but being trapped in the loop all the same.

I have criticized myself for thinking too much, but I am not inherently afraid of thought, only where those roads lead. There are many places they go that I am not too fond of, and it is often easier to just experience. But while thinking can make me feel bad about myself, it is empowering, in and of itself to be able to make criticisms of myself. It is empowering to know that I cannot shut myself off. It is empowering to know that I am better than who I was.

In the past, I had believed that falling asleep, so to speak, was a bad thing, and every time I re-achieved self-awareness, I wondered what I could do to stay awake and keep churning away to create new insight. I felt bad every time I fell asleep, so my aware self always blamed its shortcomings on the dreamer. Yet, I then came to realize that even awake, I was not much better. I kept retreading old ground, I kept ignoring things that, in retrospect, were rather obvious, for it was much easier to blame the self that was asleep.

Right now, I stand on the precipice of an hour or two of self-reflection, and am satisfied with it.

What I want to tell my future self, who might be reading this, is to always think in terms of improvements, rather than imperfections. To live knowing that however far I am from perfection, I should be willing to try to move towards it anyways. To fail to move on, but to try again anyway. To understand my past as a rough guide, rather than an inevitability. To imitate the role of a person who wants me to improve. And to understand when I don't.

Dreams

Thought is what determines life. With proper thought, one is alive, without it, it is as if they are already dead. My understanding of the world, is through a dream, and I am the dreamer. When I am awake, but not thinking, it is as if I am in a dream. But the dream is comfortable, more than a true dream, anyways. For there is a level of control, when one thinks only of the choices laid in front of them, as opposed to in the far future. 

The far future is bleak, but the near future is pleasurable. Therefore, it is better to not think of the future, and live in the moment, doing one's best to not waste time thinking about the inevitably oncoming darkness.

The way to live without hope for the future is to live without thinking about the future at all. thus, whether the future is bright or dark, has no bearing on the person with the eyes closed.

Yet the eye must be closed, for often it may open without input. In this way, it would be better to simply be blind, to live with signals and input, but to be unable to interpret the meaning behind them.

In a way then, everyone is blind, blind to the future, but it is possible to close one's eyes even further. To begin the waking dream, and pay attention to nothing, and thus, be asleep.

Free Like Water

Water wants only to be free,

It flows to the sea

And it takes many a river

To finally deliver

That subject of songs

To where it truly belongs.

But Water is not free,

And surely you can see

That despite what it ought

Water only does naught

But go with the flow

Which goes from high to low

And Water knows it’s not free,

But still it can not flee

For when it tries,

To no one’s surprise

Once its in motion

It flows to the ocean.

So Water tries again to be free,

Through attempting to be

Flexible and strong

With its friends coming along

And with time they will erode

And carve their own road

But still Water is not free,

And surely you’d agree

For though the route is its own

The destination is known

And to turn again requires power

Which it loses by the hour

And still Water is not free,

For power is no guarantee

Of a path for which it’d rejoice

For that it must make a choice

And its power is often deflected

To dam itself when misdirected

But for now Water is free,

Along the next mile or three

For though it is stuck on one way

It was a path it deemed okay

And better to choose how it would fall

Than to choose nothing at all