Starting to Run

 Today I started to run again. After a full 6 months of doing pretty much nothing, I finally began to discipline myself. Hence, running. Well, actually I didn't decide to do it myself. As. always external motivations.

For some reason I always react better to things that I consider homework, which mmakes it hard for me to reach above and beyond.  At least, however, I have a PE class which requires me to show up in order to report the exercise that I have done.

So I did it. It wasn't actually very much though. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill over a period of 18 minutes. That is considerably slower than usual, compared to my average last year.

But, as my PE teacher says, the speed wil come with time, pacing is more important. Although my pacing wasn't actually that good either ... oh well.

The horrors of cleaning

 Cleaning is quite annoying. For much of my life, I never needed to clean, because I had a higher tolerance for dirty spaces than the other members of the household. Thus, long before I was motivated enough to get the space clean myself, someone else would do it.

Like everything nice, it didn't last. Eventually, I was pressured into agreeing to do some cleaning. Like all external motivational systems, they did not last. Within a week of when the agreement was first made, my parents got lazy at enforcing the rules, and within another week, they forgot that an arrangement even existed. But still, like my other work, off and on, I would be forced to clean.

And then I realized how annoying cleaning was, and why I was delegated the task in the first place. Repetitive motions and the knowledge that the work was never done. Endless frustration at other people messing up my clean area. It was a nice role reversal, for normally it was me who contaminated the sacred ground.

Along with other reasons, our house is a mess. Seeing other houses is like seeing into a whole different world. Although, I suspect that our household's habit of furious cleaning when guests arrive is shared by other households as well.

When I clean, I feel connected to the past somehow. Forget the ideals of the hunter-gatherers or the proud warriors of the bronze age, the true connection to the tradition that I had was the feeling of cleaning house. 

At least until the ROOMBA stops getting stuck. Then its back to the internet.

Nightly Reminiscences

 I've always had trouble sleeping, but it has been particularly bad lately. Like a lot of my classmates, a full six months without much definite obligations leads to wonky sleep schedule as people sleep later and later into the night. In our household, at least, my parents kept our sleep schedules reasonable, by turning off the internet at around 11:00pm. A couple other people I know had parents who were less strict and also ended up screwing up their sleep schedule. 

There were however a few times they messed up, either by staying up way too late themselves or occasionally forgetting to shut off the internet.

Going to sleep intentionally is quite difficult. One lesson I've learned through years of experience is that the very act of consciously trying to sleep prevents one from falling asleep. Instead, I cycle through thinking about a bunch of unrelated topics and eventually tire enough to finally fall asleep. 

Often this lasts quite long, I don't know exactly how long it takes, but I suspect I spend an average of 90 minutes between turning off the lights and actually falling asleep each night.

Then, when I fall asleep I have dreams. I used to dream about once every month, now I dream every single day, without fail. I don't always remember them, but I know that I had them. It feels like a lot of time passes during that point.

My dad agrees that I am a light sleeper, to the point where I can sleep longer than my siblings and still feel drowsier than them. I have heard conflicting things about dreams, that they are either a product of extremely deep sleep or extremely light sleep. Personally, I believe it is the latter.

Oh and sometimes my brother cries at night. It doesn't wake me, but it extends the time it takes for me to fall asleep.

Work

In the last few days, there has been an external motivation for me to write again. While in the past few posts I have expressed an internal motivation to write, the truth is that most of the real reasons I have written are related to rewards from my parents. This is rather obvious in hindsight, and I have a feeling that I knew about that in my subconscious, but never thought the words "I am playing tricks on myself."

There is social desirability in being self-motivated. Even at the depths of my lack of self-confidence, I still managed to trick myself into thinking I have better character than I actually do. It took my mom and my sister constantly reminding me of the fact that I am being externally rewarded to write, before I realized consciously what the reason was.

It took five seconds to realize, and now I wonder how it took so long. All the pieces were there, I just never put them together. 

Nevertheless, it remains true that I write to remember my ideas, and no matter why I begun, it is still true that I have, and that makes me happy.

The Thousand Year Time Machine

This story is based on the short story: "The Trial of Thomas Jefferson" (https://web.archive.org/web/20161227175444/http://www.davidbarrkirtley.com/thetrialofthomasjeffersonbydavidbarrkirtley.html)

***

One day, you discover a time machine that lets you set the rules for its usage.  It does not allow history to be changed, but is set up to create alternate timelines where the evildoers of history may be punished. According to the time machine, you have the privilege of doing so as a result of being the first to walk upon it in a thousand years.

The time machine must be used to bring evildoers to justice. Your first thought is to define a wrong as something which is considered wrong by society today. Then you realize that there are perhaps a dozen particularly divisive issues which society has not yet come to a consensus on. You linger, perhaps for a bit too long, on the thought of setting the rules to reflect your personal stances on those dozen particular issues, and ultimately decide that that it is quite unlikely that your personal stance on all those issues are all correct. 

Then you think of more abstract rules. Maybe you let the rules change as society changes, reflecting what the majority of society at the time agrees on. You fiddle with the proportion a bit. 

One of your friends calls you. They believe that a much higher percentage of society must agree before an intervention into the past is to be made. They argue that there are times when the minority is indeed correct. They also emote that the time machine should be used sparingly, because ethics is complicated, and that such a powerful tool should therefore be restricted. They beg you to at least require a supermajority, if not unanimity. 

Another one of your friends calls you. They believe that a much lower percentage of society must agree before an intervention into the past is to be made. They argue that people are very different, and that even getting 50% of the population to agree on anything is difficult, because there are more than two stances on any given position, much more for the combination of all the positions. They point out that the time machine should be used as much as possible, because to not do so is to tacitly endorse the crimes of past humans through inaction. They beg you to lower the proportion required to at least the size of the smallest politically cohesive demographic, if not individual people.

A third friend calls you. They believe that the whole idea of societal consensus is nonsense. They point out that the popularity of an idea is unrelated to its veracity. Some bad ideas are popular, some good ideas are unpopular, and letting the multiversal justice system be based on the fluctuations of popularity is a bad idea. They suggest instead to only punish people for not coming up with ethical conclusions that it would be possible for them to come up with. Thus, if for some reason if people in the future thought it was unethical for people to make origami, then they would be unable to punish people in the past, because people in the past would have no way of coming up with that by themselves. They point out that this hypothetical society which hates origami could punish people in the past if you take the suggestions of the second or even the first friend.

The first friend calls you again. They think the third friend's system is too relaxed actually, because it is possible for individual people to come to any number of wild conclusions. They suggest as a compromise that people in the past must allow themselves to be judged by future people for a specific ethical conclusion before people in the future are allowed to judge them. That way, the origami situation could only happen with the consent of people living in the past. 

The third friend calls again to reply. They think that the first friend's compromise still fundamentally relies on the whims of societal consensus far too much. They demand that only people exposed to the arguments that lead to the societal consensus in the first place may be judged by it. Otherwise, they argue, people might be punished for the crime of ignorance.

The first friend hesitantly agrees, but expresses a worry that people will isolate themselves in order to avoid hearing arguments for conclusions which they do not agree with. They suggest that an effort is to be made to make everyone hear the arguments before a vote is taken. They decide that perhaps a smaller proportion of people will be necessary to begin the process of spreading around the arguments for the actual deciding vote. 

Just as the first friend is about to agree, the second friend calls you again. They realize that they are about to be outvoted, and focus in on their demand to remove the restrictions on the use of time travel. They point out that there exists a fundamental trade off between restricting malicious actors and empowering benevolent actors. They argue that in general, people in the future are more moral than people in the past, and therefore that people in the past should try not to restrict the actions of people in the future. They point out that people abusing the time machine in the future can be punished by people even further in the future. They claim that no matter what system of restrictions the other two friends make, they will never be able to overcome that fundamental trade off. They then repeat their confidence in the fact that people in the future will be more moral. 

The first friend casts doubt on whether or not people in the future are actually more moral or not. They point out that even if we in the present are more moral than people in the past, this does not immediately suggest that people in the future will also be more moral. There are no grounds for extending the trend into the future.

The third friend then argues that, even if the second friend is right that people in the future are more moral, it is still a good idea to hedge the bets. There is no way that going all the way to one extreme of the trade off does not have diminishing returns. It is not impossible to tell apart good people from bad people, therefore having no restrictions is a definitely a bad idea. It is still a good idea to have basic restrictions at the very least. 

The first friend suggests a compromise. Revolving around a system with many restrictions initially that can be lifted through sufficient consensus.

The second friend rejects the compromise, on the grounds that the compromise is still a restrictive system.

The third friend also rejects the compromise, on the grounds that the compromise will quickly turn into the second friend's system, because good people and bad people both believe that they are good.

A fourth friend calls you. They disagree, on principle, with the idea of retributive justice. They say that the creators of this time machine were pretty cruel in only allowing it to be used for punishment, and thus for suffering. They are concerned that the other three friends are focused in far too much on punishing the right people, and not realizing the other ways they could be using the time machine for good. They suggest instead to use the time machine to create alternate timelines of bountiful happiness, and thereby slightly increase the amount of pleasure in the multiverse. You politely point out that the time machine was not designed for creating happiness to your fourth friend, and throw them out of your thought experiment.

You hear the other three friends murmur in the background. 

You propose to your friends that whether or not people in the future are actually better can be empirically tested. You point out that because time travel exists, it does not matter how long it takes to make the rules of the time machine, as long as they are made eventually. The people to be punished will still be there. You make it so that the specifics of the rules of time travel can be decided in a thousand years. You also attach a general summary of what the moral positions of current society are. Before you submit your rules, you consult your friends one more time. 

All three friends want the time to be extended past a thousand years. Each of them point out in their own way, that taking your logic to its conclusion, requires delaying as long as possible.

You, however, keep the time at a thousand years. It seems ... right, for some reason you can't quite articulate. Before you submit the rules, you decide add a transcript of the conversation you had with your friends.

The time machine disappears. 

Problems go together

Whatever issues one has are always related. Well, everything is related, but especially problems. I suspect part of the reason I notice this, is that when my mind wanders to thinking about the issues in my life, I am in a headspace where everything else that I dislike about myself comes to my wandering mind. Then the connections begin to form. Perhaps the connection is very tenuous, but nevertheless it is made. In that haze, I think clearly, from a different perspective than the one I use in my everyday life, and sigh, knowing that this will never last, that after I have fallen asleep, I will have forgotten everything, and continue doing exactly what I was doing before, with a vague sense of shame in the background.

I will wonder when I will next think the same thoughts. For the actions which I must reflect on are do not vary much between hazes. I hope that I will not think these thoughts again, that this will be the one conversation with myself I need to finally motivate myself to do something. But I expect the worst.

I know that I have thought the same thoughts before, and wonder what exactly I felt back then. Am I, at this very moment merely following the cycles, the only difference being the time that I have wasted in the mean time. 

All my self-reflection eventually reached this point. At the time when I begun writing this, I had not expected to come back to thinking about my motivation, but it appears that that idea is forever entrenched, for all my problems are related.

It is said that everybody has the same twenty-four hours in a day. How fortunate then, that I have invented time travel, in the depths of my own mind, the clock strikes twelve, and it echoes with the sound of each clock in the past, and each clock in the future.

That which is not written down is easily forgotten. I have not been very active in writing recently, the reasons for this are varied, but are generally due to a combination of the sloth that preys on boredom and force of habit. In that time I had thought of many things, trivial things, true, but interesting to me nonetheless. One thing that repeatedly came up though, was a need to write down interesting ideas. It was still quite difficult to actually work out the effort to begin, but at least I've started now ... by not actually remembering any of the things that I wanted to write down.

My ideas are not original, perhaps no one truly can come up with an original idea. Even this paragraph right here has probably been expressed innumerable times today already. Ideas build on previous ideas, and the amount of ideas that a person from a single background is likely to encounter are very limited. The most unique ideas that a single person may come up with are ideas which synthesize prerequisite ideas from two sources that seldom come together due to quirks in that person's background. 

However, backgrounds have much variation, and thus I have felt much more comfortable in expressing ideas that apply narrowly, to myself and people extremely similar to myself. And yet, even narrow ideas can be expressed broadly, through the power of analogy.

I like the idea that someone I may never meet may come across "my" ideas and pick up a variation upon them that makes sense within their own worldview. I am a mishmash of ideas from many sources, like everyone else, and I no longer feel bad.

The ones who block themselves

Imperfect Circle had always struggled to roll. That was bad. It was the purpose of being a circle to roll. Those who did not roll were unable to move forward, forever Shapelings. Today was yet another practice for the future. The practices always happened, their repetitiveness a particularly cruel metaphor for the journey of which the practices were meant to imitate. There were many times in which Imperfect Circle had wondered what the point of rolling was. Once or twice, Imperfect Circle had even considered being an eternal Shapeling, to throw off all expectations, and consequently, all status. Imperfect Circle had never managed to communicate that. It had always fallen flat. 

And so, to practice Imperfect Circle went. Up and down. Forward and backward. Close to the front, perhaps, but never ever as close as Imperfect Circle desired. To the front was perfection, a select few who transcended all flaw. Fast yet steady, Large but nimble, simultaneously ungrindable and always grinding. Imperfect Circle was aware that those who were further back thought the same of them, but that was obviously untrue. Imperfect Circle once had dreams of rolling ever further into the future, of going farther than ever circle before them. It was a bitter memory, and the reason that Imperfect Circle had lost all of the big dreams that they once had. 

Then, one of the circles in the front fell. There was a sudden tension in the area, as if the spikes of emotion within each circle had leaked out. It wasn't supposed to be like this, the Perfect circles would never fall. But nevertheless, there the circle in the front was, flat on the ground, the only distinguishing feature from a common Shapeling was the grinding of the edge. The other circles in the front passed it by, and Imperfect Circle got a closer look at the edge of the fallen circle. Imperfect Circle saw the hint of an ungrinded edge, and suddenly felt at peace. 

Perhaps, despite all that was different, between the front, the middle, and even the back, none of them were perfect, and perhaps they were all alike. And so the circles rolled, and as they rolled, they grinded, as was the role of a circle. 

Dreaming Pt. 2, A dream at dusk.

In many ways, people are their records. It is easy to say that experience justifies itself, but without memory, from the original or otherwise, what even truly happened? I write, in a way without filters, these words are my thoughts, with little I kept behind. I do this because I know no one else will read this, but my future self might, and this letter to the future, of the things that I have generally thought about around this time, might be of interest.

When writing, it is far easier to notice when my writing becomes repetitive, when I am rambling on without saying anything new. I think this actually describes a lot of my cognition for the past year, repeating insights again and again, vaguely knowing that I've felt them before, but being trapped in the loop all the same.

I have criticized myself for thinking too much, but I am not inherently afraid of thought, only where those roads lead. There are many places they go that I am not too fond of, and it is often easier to just experience. But while thinking can make me feel bad about myself, it is empowering, in and of itself to be able to make criticisms of myself. It is empowering to know that I cannot shut myself off. It is empowering to know that I am better than who I was.

In the past, I had believed that falling asleep, so to speak, was a bad thing, and every time I re-achieved self-awareness, I wondered what I could do to stay awake and keep churning away to create new insight. I felt bad every time I fell asleep, so my aware self always blamed its shortcomings on the dreamer. Yet, I then came to realize that even awake, I was not much better. I kept retreading old ground, I kept ignoring things that, in retrospect, were rather obvious, for it was much easier to blame the self that was asleep.

Right now, I stand on the precipice of an hour or two of self-reflection, and am satisfied with it.

What I want to tell my future self, who might be reading this, is to always think in terms of improvements, rather than imperfections. To live knowing that however far I am from perfection, I should be willing to try to move towards it anyways. To fail to move on, but to try again anyway. To understand my past as a rough guide, rather than an inevitability. To imitate the role of a person who wants me to improve. And to understand when I don't.

Dreams

Thought is what determines life. With proper thought, one is alive, without it, it is as if they are already dead. My understanding of the world, is through a dream, and I am the dreamer. When I am awake, but not thinking, it is as if I am in a dream. But the dream is comfortable, more than a true dream, anyways. For there is a level of control, when one thinks only of the choices laid in front of them, as opposed to in the far future. 

The far future is bleak, but the near future is pleasurable. Therefore, it is better to not think of the future, and live in the moment, doing one's best to not waste time thinking about the inevitably oncoming darkness.

The way to live without hope for the future is to live without thinking about the future at all. thus, whether the future is bright or dark, has no bearing on the person with the eyes closed.

Yet the eye must be closed, for often it may open without input. In this way, it would be better to simply be blind, to live with signals and input, but to be unable to interpret the meaning behind them.

In a way then, everyone is blind, blind to the future, but it is possible to close one's eyes even further. To begin the waking dream, and pay attention to nothing, and thus, be asleep.

Free Like Water

Water wants only to be free,

It flows to the sea

And it takes many a river

To finally deliver

That subject of songs

To where it truly belongs.

But Water is not free,

And surely you can see

That despite what it ought

Water only does naught

But go with the flow

Which goes from high to low

And Water knows it’s not free,

But still it can not flee

For when it tries,

To no one’s surprise

Once its in motion

It flows to the ocean.

So Water tries again to be free,

Through attempting to be

Flexible and strong

With its friends coming along

And with time they will erode

And carve their own road

But still Water is not free,

And surely you’d agree

For though the route is its own

The destination is known

And to turn again requires power

Which it loses by the hour

And still Water is not free,

For power is no guarantee

Of a path for which it’d rejoice

For that it must make a choice

And its power is often deflected

To dam itself when misdirected

But for now Water is free,

Along the next mile or three

For though it is stuck on one way

It was a path it deemed okay

And better to choose how it would fall

Than to choose nothing at all

ponderings of a fifteen-year-old

From some perspectives, doing almost anything is utterly worthless. What point is there in doing anyhing, when it is never perfect, never even perfect within the mind;s narrow conception of itself. How limitied are we all, and who or what coul hoe to change that. To believe in the possibility of change, of being even a tiny bit btter, is too optimistic by far. Bleakness and darkness, they are what remains in the end. Nothing mttters, nothing at a;;, judt yime passuing and the pathetic ramblings of a boy and his keyboard. There is no clevernes in it, just a surrender ot the darknesss of the world. What good could a single person do, a person so imperfect as a human is. What use is talent when it is unable to be fostered. What use is work, without a motivation to push it on. What even is the point of trying to reach above one's station, to not just accept the life one has been dealt and drown oneself out in the mindless corners of the wworld, lost what is the point what is the point what is hte point what is the point what is the point what else is there what is the point what is th epoint in a sea that one has jumped into. The health deteriorates, the eye go blind, the brain keep turning, ‘‘‘the ear get lost in itself", the limbs go numb, the bOPOPOPOPOPPOOOOOOOOOOody become sick, the headache take over, but the brain continuously spew out itlaments trash till the true end .For what more could ther be but the true horror of being a humn, any human, who must live with a mind that knows not how to be happy, a mind that constantly dissapoints itself, trusting itself less and less. Then there is a but. The mind has an idea, it owants to free itself, it has a siple solution, which it cannot foll  else is there. What is the point.What is the point,  Whathat else is there. point. Wat is the What else is ther what else is there. Wh else is there. the work of a fifteen year old fossil. whatow the next moment, the next time it realixes, the trust drops further. But maybe things could be different, byr its not up to me. I a useless, fifteen years old and already a relic in history, what pint is therelI;m just typing because there is nothing else to do; what point is there to typing what point is there at all. Just inchorerence just typos just

Sleep

In the past, I had believed that I was a genius, I believed I had a great destiny, I believed I was the world's center. I was proven wrong, not in a single, life-defining, plot-point of epic proportions. But series of practical non-events, things that had significance to no one but me. Questions, I asked myself, that destroyed the grand narrative over time.

In my social circle, no one had any self-confidence. In my younger days, I believed that I was the only person who did not believe in themselves. That everyone else in my life was simply better than me, that they had it all figured out. I saw my own inadequacy, and looked at the minuscule potential for me to make a positive impact, the resources wasted on my upbringing, the self-loathing for not loathing myself sufficiently. What has my life amounted to, what could it ever amount to? Everyone around me was better, I had believed, whatever I could contribute, others could contribute more. I could never begin to repay the debt of suffering my own existence has brought upon the world.

I question the purpose of living, other than to blind myself to the future I know is coming, to seek short term pleasure, to go even further into debt, to die in all but name.

It is not really death, it is more like a nap, a dream, an illusion. I have always woken up, and each time I do, the road looks bleaker, the mind grows darker, and it takes another nap. The mind can go days just going with the flow, not thinking of anything beyond completing the next action in an endless cycle of numbness.

I don't even know my goals in life, the optimist in me claims that they want to better the lives of everyone in the whole world. Sometimes, instead, I scoff, and wonder if I'm obviously just hiding-refusing to think about- the selfish desires at my core.

Part of the reason for this is I can't take action, I see people around me do so, and conclude that it is possible, so I blame my nature. And what is nature, but something which I can do nothing about? Thus I fade into yet another frenzy of meaningless pleasure, and sometimes, when awake, I wonder if that is what I should do.

Who cares if the pursuit of short term pleasure leads to problems in the long term, if those problems are inevitable? It would be a waste, sure, but my life is already a waste. I just want to stop thinking about it. I just want to fall asleep, only asleep, am I truly happy. If I'm not happy, its because I'm not all the way asleep. Haven't I always been doing that anyway, what will waking up change? What has waking up this time changed?

A Vacation of Nothing Much

For the past few of days, I've been on a road trip with my family. While much time passed on the trip, I didn't end up doing much.

As with all things, it started with our family's failure to plan out the trip. I personally didn't know we were even going on vacation until Friday Night before we left. Thus, the night before we left, I sketched out a general idea of which destinations we wanted to go towards. The plan ended up being very loosely followed.

The first day, we left at around 9 after a morning of packing our things. The plan was to head towards Tucson, AZ on the first day. We took Interstate-5 down South towards San Diego. By the time we reached Santee, it was 11 o'clock and we decided to stop for lunch at a Costco in the city. After wasting nearly two hours buying snacks and a lunch (pizza, of course), we set out West. Highway 52 eventually merged onto Interstate-8, which we would stay on for most of the day. By the afternoon, we had arrived at the town of Yuma, AZ, by which point it was getting dark. It was around this time that we booked the hotel for the night. At around 9, when we finally reached the hotel, we discovered that no restaurants were open. Instead, for the first dinner of our vacation, we bought food at a gas station and began to ate.

The next day, we quickly visited Saguaro National Park and looked at some cacti, watched a movie, and took a very short hike. Afterwards, we drove up towards Phoenix, stopping at Eloy to eat at A&W's. At Phoenix, we visited a mall, that was really stinky. I merely used the bathroom. Afterwards, we ate at a formal restaurant and went to sleep. In the afternoon, I played cards with my family.

Come Monday morning, we took a quick visit to Arizona State University, before quickly eating lunch and heading for Albuquerque. The path was a mountainous one, and very cold, but I didn't really notice that much because I was playing games on the iPad. When we arrived, it was night. This time, we ate instant noodles.

The next day, we took a "gap" day in Albuquerque. We wasted a few hours in the hotel before, buying a little bit of ice cream, before heading to the mall to buy more stuff and play some games. Eventually, we left the mall to eat at an Italian Restaurant. Afterwards, it was games in the hotel, before sleep time.

The next day also began with video games, until we resolved to go to Lubbock, TX. We skipped lunch, owing to a lack of places to do so, and ate pizza at an arcade. Our hotel was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but at least it was the biggest room we'd been in so far.

After that, we headed towards Austin, Tx. We ate in the town Abilene at a Subway. It was 7 by the time we reached our hotel. We went to an Outback Steakhouse, and pigged out before going to sleep. The next day we went to the Texas Capitol, LBJ Presidential Library,  UT Austin, and a park. Then, we ate at a Texan BBQ place before going to sleep.

The next day we walked along the Colorado River for a while before heading to San Antonio, where we saw the Alamo and the riverwalk. I ended up eating at Taco Cabana for dinner.

The next day, we started heading back. A long day, and we stopped in Las Cruces, NM

Finally, we came home at around 11.

Sang a song

Thus, in the far far past, a song was sung.

Thus, in the time of song, a past has passed.

Thus, far away, time was timed.

Thus, in time, far is afar.

Thus, in the ahh, in an inn

Thus, in the inn, a ahhAnne

Thus, has the past, was the wuss

Thus, wuss the was, has for hass.

Frozen Musical *Analysis* in all lowercase letters

the musical opens with three doors.

opening scene

anna hit in the head

trolls

"do you want to build a snowman" on fast forward

the actors sit diametrically opposed, a door in between

"love is an open door." 

• "say goodbye to the pains of the past"
• for anna, the pain of elsa pretending she doesn't exist
• for hans, the pain of his brothers pretending he doesn't exist

"you can't marry someone you just met that day"(and if you marry, then the gates must open again) 

"you can if its true love"

"what do you know about love?"

"more than you, all you know is how to shut people out"

"let it go"

• "kingdom of ice-olation"
• ice therefore, represents isolation or shutting people out AKA
• "turn away and slam the door"
• ice and isolation ends with love and
• "love is an open door"

"you can't marry got engaged to someone you just met that day?"

"you can if it's true love"

anna sees elsa in her castle, sings parts of "for the first time in forever"

• "we can fix this together"
• "I don't know how"

<no anna, go back home alone, leave me be, open up the gates (without me)>

"I'm alone, but I'm alone and free"

<but what about the eternal winter?>

"I will never be free" (from the magic, from the ice, not even by letting go, not even by running)

anna gets struck in the heart yadah yadah....

trolls procede to arrange a marriage between anna + kristoff. 

• "people never change"
• <love is a powerful force> (foreshadowing, much?)

audience:"you can't marry kristoff, you just met him that day" (or a few days ago, it's ambiguous)

audience:"you can if its true love"

they go to hans

<long rant> hans, you could've won if you had just killed anna. also you could've won if you had not told anna your evil plan. also you could've won if you had pretended to love anna. also you could've won if you at least tried to make anna not turn against you. also you could've won if you were not the antagonist  </long rant>

hans:"if only there was someone who loved you"

audience: "booooooo"

what is love?

olaf: <love is putting someone else before yourself. like what kristoff did>

audience: "love is an open door"

anna: "kristoff loves me?"

olaf: "wow, you really don't know what love is, do you?"

ending scene

"love, of course!" (now I know how)

"[from here on out,] the gates will always be open."

love is an open door gate.

"love is an open door" plays

anna dances with hans  kristoff

elsa blesses the marriage (you can if it's true love)

elsa is forever alone, forever ice-olated

"... say goodbye ... to the pains of the past"

'"love is an open door ... with you"

audience claps, actors bow.

A Day Through the Lens of My Selves

    Sticking to a single train of thought for longer than but a second tends to lead to interesting observations. Yet such novel thoughts rarely transcend the barrier of time, because without constant recall, thoughts fade away... This is relevant to the task of trying to plan for the future. Any plans my present self makes are forgotten by my future self. Often that future self does not remember the plans and why my past self made them in the first place until the consequences have already affected my future self.
   When my past self reflects on how an average day normally goes, it see one particular pattern. It makes a specific plan regarding tasks it wants my future self to accomplish, the night before. By morning, said plan is extremely hazy, barely remembered. By the time my future self arrives at a school, there is a completely different environment that inspires completely different trains of thought. The memories of the plan are completely buried under several hours worth of school experiences. At home, my future self then wastes a lot of time until it finally dawns on it that my past self actually intended for it to spend that time productively.
   Yesterday, my past self had decided to formulate a specific plan, and understood that in order for the plan to be remembered, it must make an effort to inspire my future self to remember me, sitting in the bed, drawing up a schedule that would match every minute of time from the moment my future self would come home to the moment at 3:30 my future self would go to sleep at 9:30 with a particular task. It wrote everything down, and put it on my desk. But that wasn't enough, it also thought up the mantra "Read the Schedule, it is on a table", which tired as my past self was, thought rhymed.
   Sure enough, when Future Self woke up, it looked at the table, and memorized the 'catchy' mantra. At school, there was a 'relay race' where Future Self would recite the mantra in my head and pass it on to a Future Future Self. And so, when Future Future Future Self stepped off the bus, it began to follow the plan. It was pretty hard for Future Future Future Self to stick to the plan, because unexpected distractions occurred. One particular distraction was a Boy Scout meeting that Past Self had simply forgotten about. Future Future Future Self was caught off guard when it heard my mom announce that we would be going to a Boy Scout Meeting, yet overall, Past Self's plan succeeded in making Future Future Future Self's day more productive then it would have been.
  Now, Future Future Future Self is writing this very blogpost, finishing one of the last items on the schedule, and will go on to plan the next day, hoping that a Future Future Future Future Self will follow it and continue the cycle.

An interesting class

Today I went to my Boy Scout troop's emergency preparedness merit badge class. The two hour class was both informative and interesting. At three o'clock, my mom sent me to the meeting. The class was taught by one of the many adult leaders of our troop, Mister Huang. The Emergency Preparedness Merit Badge is all about preparing for unexpected situations and knowing how to react given the situation. It was a small class, only six other scouts were present, as well as a couple of adults who were on their phones half the time and sort of listening and poking fun the other half. First, we watched a video about preventing injury during and after an earthquake. While most of it was not new, as our school does an annual earthquake drill, some of it, especially the stuff not related to school, made sense, but probably wouldn't occur to you naturally. For instance, one suggestion was      to move your bed away from windows, because they are likely to break during an earthquake. Another was to install automatic gas shutoff, because gas leaks are another potential danger. Additionally, there were suggestions about what to do in the event of an actual earthquake. The instructions varied based on what where you were in the moment, but a common theme was staying calm, avoiding windows, and protecting one's neck.

Afterwards, we did some physical practice. Mr. Huang dragged a dummy human underneath a few tables and guided us through the process of rescuing and administering first aid in this hypothetical situation. The first step was getting the 'rubble' off of the dummy. The lesson here was that it is important to not directly lift the rubble, but to use a stick or other long object as leverage. If you are the victim, you are supposed to conserve energy and moisture, because rescue is likely a few days away. Signalling responders is done via tapping any metallic object, and not by shouting.  Having educated us on this point the next step was first aid. The dummy had a leg missing as well as a fake cut on his left arm and a fractured right arm. We then went over the first aid procedure for those injuries, which included information about CPR. Obviously, this was important and to hammer the point home, each of us had to do 60 chest compressions on a CPR dummy.

The next emergency was the active shooter emergency, which is a new requirement that was added rather recently. This was taught in the 'GET OUT, HIDE OUT, TAKE OUT' mantra. GET OUT essentially means to run away, as quickly as possible, in the opposite direction from the sound as gunfire. HIDE OUT refers to barricading and locking the doors, turning off the lights and pretending that the building is deserted. The whole point is to buy time before help can arrive. TAKE OUT refers to aggressively defending oneself. The video we watched showed a group of people swarming the shooter with books, chairs, and other makeshift weaponary. An often forgotten point is that running away is preferred and the other options are for when running is no longer viable. Of course attacking is called a last resort, because it is the riskiest option.

Like the first drill, we also did a practical exercise. We went to different locations and were asked which way we should run if gunfire was heard in such and such direction. After a while, Mr. Huang suddenly left. This unplanned departure left us very confused so we started socializing. However, it was a trap! We heard a strange noise, and all of us froze, it took us a second to realize it was supposed to be gunfire. One of the other Scouts shouted "Run you Idiots!" and we all ran. Mr. Huang was carrying a banana and pointing it like a gun. After that, he called us in and told us that the last class all died because they didn't run away. We later realized that doing an emergency drill was a requirement for the merit badge, which was the point of that whole charade.

The last topic of the day was about mobilization, or organizing a large group of people to accomplish a task. Mr. Huang made us find a 'missing baby' that was somewhere on the facility (which he has hidden there beforehand). After a quick little search, we found the baby in the bushes behind the building. With that, we were free to go. Overall, the reason that the class held my interest so well was that we moved around and put our skills to use, which is why I can now still recall most of what I was supposed to learn.

The Honoring

The rabbit jumped out of its hole in an animated and excited manner. The sun, round and solid, was on its way down. It had been a good week, and as in all good weeks, the rabbit had eaten a lot this week, and today was the special day. It was the day when all the rabbits would come out of their little holes to meet up once a week. The rabbit hopped as quickly as its little legs could take it to the place where Bunnykind would meet on this special day. For some strange reason, even on this special day, not a single other rabbit could be found. Bunnykind was very spread out and it was rare for the rabbit to see more than a few other rabbits in a particular day, but the rabbit recalled that on other special days, as they were honoring the Great Rabbits, it had seen a lot more other rabbits. Strange. The rabbit hopped and hopped in order to find the other rabbits, but it saw no one, as they had all left. Hours passed, as the rabbit traveled through the Great Forest. The special day, as the rabbit remembered, was supposed to honor the legacy of the Great Rabbits and to select a new one, all of which gave their very lives to protect Bunnykind. While in the Great Forest, the rabbit suddenly realized that it was lost. Thus, its legs gave way and it fell down, fast. A loud thumping sound accompanied the rabbits's fall, after which, the rabbit began to sleep. A few hours later, the Clever Fox walked by and deliberately picked the rabbit up, carefully picking it up and making not a single noise.

The rabbit slowly stirred, in the Clever Foxes' firm paws. The rabbit looked around and saw the other rabbits gathered in the area. That was probably why they couldn't be found in the gathering spot! The rabbit noted with a hint of sadness that one of his friends was not in the audience, the rabbit hadn't seen his friend since that special day two weeks ago. He was a true friend, and never cared if other rabbits thought it was plump. It was a story of true determination and eventual success, for his friend had joined the realm of Great Rabbits last week. The rabbit thought back to the Great Rabbits. The rabbit's friend became one, and perhaps the rabbit would become one too. It filled the rabbit with pride, Bunnykind would honor - 

The Clever Fox smiled at his reflection in the newly formed crimson puddle. Its teeth were as sharp as ever. The Clever Fox was full for now. Now it was time to clean up, and when the Clever Fox finished naught but the bones would remain. Afterwards, the Clever Fox purred and gracefully waltzed off into the night. It would be back in precisely one week. 

As the rest of the stars came into view, the rabbits that had survived the day dodged the bones of their kin as they fled into the night and ran back to their separate holes.

End of School

At my school, we are currently on the last week of school. Most of the work was over by last Friday. As of today, 4 out of 6 of my classes have completely finished their content. I had two finals today, one in English, and one in Science. For the last 3 days of school, we will simply be watching movies. The light workload almost makes me forget that I have school. Talk of summer vacation is in every classroom and a ubiquitous conversational topic. It will officially end on Thursday, but by then, I will basically be not in the proper mindset of a student.